As you get older, you get more lonely. 

There’s no way around it. Maybe this is sad, but it’s just the truth. Going to bed without a warm body next to you is a haunting experience for a soft heart. The only thing worse is a dead body, which can happen in one of two ways—literally or figuratively. I’m still trying to figure out which is worse.

When I look at people younger than me, I do see myself, but a version that existed two mind states ago. I can’t pinpoint when the shift occurred, exactly, but I notice it more with women. I mean, I see it with the young men, too, but the younger the woman, the more I struggle to find a connection. My body wants to, but my mind won’t have it. Their eyes tell me too much. They look at me, but do they see me? Do I see them?

I can’t lie to you, though. I can still be brought to my knees by long hair and sunkissed skin. I guess some things will never leave me. There are things I know and have seen that I’ll never forget. Things I can’t possibly explain, but I’ll continue to try for the rest of my life. What else is the blank page for?

Someone once told me that the blank page reminds you how hard it is to be God. I typed that into Google, and sure enough, it was a quote from Sidney Sheldon. Most people lack originality—call me cynical but I can’t help it. At least have the decency to cite your work. People spend hours, days, and years coming up with this shit. And this brings me back to that point about youngins. I wish I could grab them, shake ’em, and say, “Stop imitating. It ain’t worth the hassle. Trust me.”

It’s not as sexy as it sounds to be yourself. It’s hard work, but it’s doable. That’s the ticket. Everything else is just faking it. Abracadabra. A life cannot be built from a bunny coming out of the hat. Eventually, you're either the bunny or the hat. The world knows bunnies don’t live in hats, so that’s your decision. Are you the bunny or the hat?

Me? I’m neither. I’m going to spend a lifetime figuring out how to be the magician.

*This article is part of the ongoing Morning After series: short, reflective pieces on thoughts, feelings, and ideas about life. They’re kind of like well-manicured journal entries, written the morning after a night out.