Several years back, I was at a business conference in Chicago. Each night starting around 3ish, I would have some downtime. Two days into the trip, I’d already done all the Chicago things—boat tour, deep-dish pizza, visit Wrigley Field, etc. 

Sitting in the hotel lobby, flipping through those what-to-do-in-Chicago pamphlets, I notice men and women walking by wearing provocative Halloween costumes. Or so it seems. I put my head back into the pamphlet while laughing to myself, “Geez, Chicago is pretty freaky.” Not even thirty seconds later, I pick my head up again and notice more costumed people—it’s literally just one after the other streaming by. Now I’m thinking, “What the heck is going on?”

I ask the receptionist at the front desk, “What’s going on here? Where are all these people going?” 

She looks at me with a half smirk. “There’s a big adult entertainment expo in town at the convention center.” 

“A porn expo?” 

“Yeah. Ha. It happens every year.” 

Now I’m thinking, Well this might be entertaining. 

I text a couple buddies. “You’re never going to believe this...there’s a porn convention in Chicago right now. LOL.” 

They’re cracking up. One texts back, “No way, I follow [some pornstar] on Instagram and she’s there! You gotta take a photo with her and send it to me. Lol.” 

So I did what any single guy in his late twenties would do. I attended my first (and only ever) porn expo, on a mission to find [some pornstar.] Or at least that’s what I was telling myself.

The expo was massive. And the scene was just as freaky as you’d imagine. Companies selling all kinds of toys, dominatrixes showing off their whips, midgets running around, live shows going on, strange-looking old people drooling and lurking around everywhere. And pornstars, lots of pornstars, both men and women. I wish I could say I enjoyed myself, but honestly, with each turn, I felt a spider crawl up my spine. I was lost in a sea of perversion and on the edge of disgust with each glance exchanged. 

I was left only to think, What the christ have I gotten myself into?

Here’s the key ingredient in finding your next partner

First, let’s address the obvious. You can’t be in a relationship with someone you’re not physically attracted to. I mean, you can, but it’s like mental torture. Physical attraction is typically the easiest way to assess if we’re into someone or something, so we rely on it. At least initially. This is perfectly normal and necessary. The problem is, physical attraction is mostly based around perception, not reality. As in, what do you think of that person? Not who they are. Just like the porn expo, the person you’re initially attracted to might not be all they’re cracked up to be. They might be a pretender: someone who leverages your imagination and tricks you to get what they want. Your attention. Money. A date. Sex. I don’t know, whatever they want.

If you’re looking for love, or, you know, a serious relationship, you’re desperately searching for the answer to one question: what is this person really about? You’re ultimately going to live with that reality, not the idea you have of them in your head.

Let’s look at some common real-life scenarios:

A woman falls in love with her co-worker.

A man wishes he was dating his girlfriend’s friend, not his girlfriend.

A woman cries to her friend that she spent years with the wrong man.

These scenarios all have one key ingredient. They are all consequences of repeated exposure. What is exposure? Exposure is just time plus face-to-face interaction. I didn’t need much exposure to realize the disaster I’d put myself in at the porn expo, but dating is a little higher stakes. You’re searching for a long-term partner. Exposure can reveal all things that matter in a lasting relationship. Exposure reveals character, morals, and well-being. It’ll grow or shrink your attraction to a person. It reveals the inexplicable qualities of a person that can only be felt during face-to-face interactions. It will tell you how that person makes you feel. Do they make you feel alive or dead? Inspired or damaged? Exposure stymies novelty, newness, and shine. All things pretenders love to stand on.

Now take a closer look at those scenarios:

A woman falls in love with her co-worker because she’s been exposed to him at work for weeks, months, or years.

A man wishes he was dating his girlfriend’s friend because he’s been exposed to her throughout the whole time he’s been dating his girlfriend.

A woman cries to her friend that she spent years with the wrong man because she was exposed to him for years.

When you’re face-to-face over longer periods of time, there’s much less to distort a possible connection. I’m talking real human connection. Do you like what see? Feel? Hear? Is your attraction growing or shrinking?

You need to be exposed, over time, to the person you’re interested in

The most interesting thing about exposure, as you can see with some of the common examples above, is that you don’t really need to be in a relationship or dating someone to be exposed to them over a long period of time. You just have to be exposed to that person you’re interested in. Physical attraction might manifest out of thin air. Or that initial attraction will shrivel up like fingertips submerged in water for too long. Good can become bad, and bad can become good. It’s merely the act of being in their presence. That’s how you learn more about people. If you’re planning on spending your life with someone, you can’t afford to shorten exposure. You need exposure. Exposure reveals the truth. 

Of course, you might still be thinking about that porn expo. You want to know if I found [some pornstar] and took a photo with her?

Oh, I found her all right. Only took very limited exposure to know my buddy was nuts.

Maybe some things are better left imagined.